Anglekos
Aficionado

WHERE ART THOU SIR

Dear friend, would you mind starting a sort of..Japanese-style group? I have recently made a ninja and I hope to have a special place for him around here! He is my latest and one of my most brilliant creations!

All in all a very good post. The metaphor for fear you have going through your first paragraph is nicel done. My one critique is that when you get into action scenes, you want to hit with more vivid phrasing.

"Apparently too fast for his minions to see, for I was up close and personal to the man before any of them had even moved their spear points from the place I'd once been." Try instad something like "Apparently too fast for his minions to see. I was inches away from the man before any of them even had a chance to twitch their spears." It might be my own personal taste coming through, but to me that paints the picture in more defined strokes.

Or here "Now for the rest of them. They still hadn't moved. I suppose that was testament to my speed and skill, but I wasn't exactly thinking about that at that point." Try "Now for the rest of them. They still hadn't moved. A testament to my skill, I suppose, but I didn't have the presence of mind to gloat. I was already on the move."

In the paragraph beginning with the men's leaders surrounding you and the paragraph right beneath it you use the word "thankfully" twice. It's not that big of a deal, nor is it an exotic enough word to really stand out, but the three syllable pace make it kind of stick and the reader might find himself wondering why this guy is so gracious. As a redeemer, in that same second paragraph you mention your character shaking off leaves. A nice touch of detail that puts the reader right back into the thick of the scene now that the action has reached its climax and diminuendo.

Crisp ending dialogue.

My my my! I must say, your character sure is an interesting chap! Do enjoy your stay at out humble little dragon's den!

Yeah, sneaks up on you xD

And now it's yours

Good ones broseidon, good ones. Ty.

http://www.valucre.com/showthread.ph...l=1#post203308

Try this one on for size and I promise I'll stop for the moment.

Thanks for the feedback. You're one of few that gives me something I can identify and work on.

By the by, the figure isn't as new as all that. He's touched on earlier in the thread, but you wouldn't know that from reading a single post. Still though, the post did what I wanted it to do. Thanks :)

http://www.valucre.com/showthread.ph....-closed/page2

Compared to my post as the old man? I'm choosing this one because it's fresh, and I spent roughly the same amount of time and "effort" into it.