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About Haelikor

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    The Prophet
  • Birthday 12/07/1989

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    Oregon, United States.
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  1. Caesura OOC

    Cell is part Super Saiyan, thus "Super Perfect Cell" you potato.
  2. Caesura OOC

    Since I was summoned.. I'll consent to reviewing another T1 section if and only if it winds up becoming another T1 segment. Obviously that's going to rely on some consent on the part of Alexei. If he doesn't want to pursue it now that he has moved the thread to UC, that's that. It's a bit dickish but, you know. We can aww be a witter sneaky sometimes myah? Entering as a Super Saiyan Devil was a little sneaky too Roen, as was bombing Pearl Harbor. Kinda sneaky? All the same! I'm sure you fine gentlemen can figure this out.
  3. HaelReview :: It's on The Spectrum.

    My god... that explains a lot actually Akiris, thank you. I wondered where this quote came from. But now it all fits together. Like a series of Dominos falling into a line with stuffed crust.
  4. HaelReview :: It's on The Spectrum.

    Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec.... "Why are you doing this Hael?" "I dunno. Bad life decisions mostly. I should've gone to a trade school or something." Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec.... Fithos... Lusec.... Wecos.... Vinosec. Excitate vos e somno, liberi mei.. .. Cunae sunt non. Excitate vos e somno, liberi fatali - ... Somnus est non!! Surgite.. ... Invenite. Veni hortum veritatis Horti verna veritatis!! Ardente veritate! Urite mala mundi! Ardente veritate! Incendite tenebras mundi!! Valete liberi Diebus fatalibus --- DNDNDNDN. THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS CANON. Ah yes. Quesadilla. I tend to buy those from the local "Mexican Restaurant" despite the owner blatantly being Italian. TUTORIAL THE FOLLOWING REVIEW IS SUPER COOL. AS SUCH, IT HAS BEEN BROKEN INTO TWO FORMATS. ONE WILL BE "IC," SWITCHING OUR PROTAGONIST FROM ROEN JAEGER THE CRYBABY DEVIL TO CORVINUS ANUS THE ELITE SWORDMAN. THE OTHER WILL BE "OOC," FOLLOWING THE GREAT AND MIGHTY HAELIKOR THE DETECTIVE IN HIS BIZARRE ADVENTURES. GIVEN THE CANONOCITY OF THIS REVIEW, WHICH IS VERY HIGH, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED BUT LIKELY NOT UNDERTAKEN. STARRING... Roen Jaeger was a devil in a foreign land, rubbing himself against vines and beating up wildlife like small birds. Something about an "O'o?" I dunno, that's stupid. Let I, Haelikor the Magnificent Spoony Bard, spin you a more succinct take of the pre-fight. So some chick got married, which happens every 5 seconds in Valucre but is still somehow a world shattering event of vital importance to the entire universe, and so people decided to be thugs and throw down. People kept using the term "O'o" which is a legendary bird you find in Pokemon that was foreshadowed in season one when Ash Autism saw it fly by and his Pokedex decided to fuck with him by lying about what it was. Some random chick named Rou decides to waste magical woowoo energy to blast the shit out of the Pokemon and kill it, because she's a member of Team Rocket. This seems petty as shit but oh well, that'll happen sometimes. But as the bride questioned why a demon devil balloon monster was frolicking around with a prostitute and woodland critters, Cornivus appeared- psychically summoned by his wife because plot convenience. Cornivus is a swordsman that is triggered as shit how this "Rou" killed his wife's birthday bird. I'd be pretty god damned mad myself if I got a legendary Pokemon and then some random harlot pooped into the area and went "Nothing personnel kid" and assassinated it. Ahw man. I'd annihilate her into oblivion. But instead for reasons unknown, Cornivus decides to divert his attention to the stoner devil rubbing up on plants instead of slicing down the thot that murdered his wife's bird. They then have a really boring talk. It's boring. And it keeps using the term "O'o." I think they like typing that. Like a fucking Japanese emoticon if you look at it right. The entire first page is worthless. It tells you nothing. Except that this "Rou" should be gutted and dumpstered somewhere. Seriously, you get the inkling all of these characters have some backstory and history with some animosity concerning wars, landmasses, relationships - but not her. She was female Shadow the Hedgehog, ran in and torpedo'd the bird before contributing nothing further of note. What have I gotten myself into...? The second page and therefore the fight is only six posts long as writing this! And yet it's lasted since January 28th and has 95 edits! THE DETECTIVE SAGA OF THE GREAT HAELIKOR Roen-01/28/2018 Chosen Ruleset, Mild Powers, Hael as judge. "Nani..?" Hael queried, spitting out his burritos and tacos. Oh boy! A fight to review! Chosen Ruleset, eh? He'd have to ... dig into that some. It sounded Chosen. And mild powers! Well gosh golly, that just sounded more moderate than High Powers now didn't it? Alexei, henceforth Alex Bubblebutt because his name is weird to type, decided "Nah kid. Hael can judge but I want a judge too. A judge that can stop Hael if he's biased." Hael spun in his computer chair ominously. A judge to judge a judge? Judging a fight that's full of judgements. Yes. This sounded excellent! It would be a judgeception. Haelikor in his infinite wisdom couldn't possibly see anything wrong with another judge; anything they disagreed with Haelikor on would be patently wrong, and so it'd be fucking hilarious! And with these two accomplished adult men having themselves a quick story based tussle, what could go wrong!? THE SHITTER CRYBABY SAGA OF "SWORDS" AND BALLOONS TUTORIAL IN HAELREVIEW, COMBAT IS SCORED POST BY POST. ESSENTIALLY, A POST CAN NET YOU: +2 - massive advantage. +1 - minor advantage. 0 - neutral or no real change. -1 - minor disadvantage. -2 - major disadvantage. THIS WILL FACTOR IN ALLLLLLL SORTS OF THINGS! AT THE END OF THE MATCH, YOUR SCORE WILL BE TALLIED, AND IF THERE IS NO DECISIVE WINNER IN CHARACTER, THESE SCORES WILL DO THE WORK FOR YOU! CAREFUL. THERE ARE FURTHER WAYS TO GET NEGATIVE SCORES, LIKE BEING CAUGHT CHEATING. ALSO, IF YOU HAVE A HIGHER SCORE AND THEN LOSE ANYWAY, THAT'S FUNNY AND YOU'RE BAD. Corvinus gripped his big sword. It was bigger, heavier, and longer than other swords. I'm not even making this shit up, this is how he leads into the fight. Ranting about how he has a tight grip on his big sword. It's also silver, like most anime swordsmen and their weapons. Woah. What an honorable guy. Attacking someone while they're speaking. Truly the height of a warrior's decorum! Also, he already got 3/4ths of the way into the word "kill," I don't think taking off that extra L is gonna really help you get the massive time edge you think you're getting. This post ends with Corn Bootyhole honorably swinging his sword with reckless abandon at Roen's yapping form, intending to wreck his shit with CONVENIENTLY the perfect material to counteract Roen's (presumed) healing abilities. There's also apparently some bullshit obelisk nearby that ebbs out woowoo antimagic so that's a pretty good situation for Cornivus. Overall this post nets +1. It's an opening fight post so nothing of importance will result from this no matter how unlikely that might seem, but! He starts off establishing a variety of potentially useful resources he has available to him and takes the initiative. Well then, she's useless. Stop thinking about her, you're getting sworded. Also useless then. Sounds like Roen has a habitual tendency to involve himself with worthless women. Still not 100% sure why you two aren't postponing this to just behead Rou real quick. I bet Cornivus and Roen could become best buddies if they just sliced the shit out of her on the dime. Meat of the post is just Roen crying about how much of an underdog he totally is because he doesn't have all of his resources or woowoo magical artifacts handy. Boooohoooo! Because it turns out Roen Jaeger is not a devil human man, but some kind of dumbass alien Godzilla skeleton monster crammed inside a flesh bag. Given he's technically undead, this also makes all of the women who consort with him necrophiliacs. An unpleasant thought. "What an honorable duel, ahehehe!" Roen cackled as he basically turned into the Devil version of a Super Saiyan. Thus far, we have no idea what this thing is capable of, except it has woowoo claws, a doom tongue, and is super hard and shit. It's as bad as the Nintendo Powerglove. Cornivus, generously speaking, seems to be an animu swordsman with some woowoo relic nearby he's accidentally taking advantage of. Roen is, self-described, some kind of Lovecraftian horror capable of withstanding being in the vacuum of space. What a- what a fair and balanced duel ladies and gentlemen. Why did you agree to this Alexei. Why. I'm giving you a +2 for this post, but not because I found any technical skill at hand in your vaguely defined chitin poop plates catching Cornhole's sword mid-slash. No, I'm giving you +2 because you demonstrate succinctly how zesty hot "Mild Powers" are, and that the low and even mid sections of MP are night & day differences from the high end of MP. I am only one round into this and I am already absolutely floored how much of a shitfest this is. I'd buy it's a plot battle to help soothe how noncompetitive it is but then you guys basically ignored someone pissing on the gift of high nobility, both internally monologue she is your enemy, then went "but eh? Take care of her later, this fucker in front of me be squaring up and shit." Ah but wait! To be fair to Roen, I dunno if he's just being hyperbolic in his writing. May- maybe his character's actually reasonable for this battle. Yeah! I'll just ask him for his profile! Just like he said. "Hey. You deviline fucker. Give me your profile." Hael yelled, kicking down the doors to Red Yoozookie's Discord (TO FIND OUT WHO RED YOOZOOKIE IS, SEE THE FIRST HAELREVIEW!) - and pointing his index finger like a phallic sword at the devil. "wuh.. oh man. i would hael? but I don't even got it? my PMs are like.. disabled. and red has it. heeeh. have red send it to you." "Hnggg.... alright. Red. Red! Send me his damned profile. Wait. You store your profile in your private messages? Who the fuck does that?" Hael frowned. Red Yoozookie began crying about Windows 10 not being activated, and said she'd be home from work in 195 bajillion hours. H'wat an idiot! Hael didn't have time for that. He went to the great Googles. Googles always knew what he needed. "roen devil profile jaeger shit terrereneeusus" Perfect search terms. Quickly, Haelikor got results. Accurate results that told him just what he needed. "Bahahahahahahahahah" Hael cried with uproarious laughter. Still, sadly that wasn't the profile. That wasn't the profile at all. Haelikor was no closer to finding THE TRUTH than Red was figuring out how to make dinner. He would have to wait. Suddenly, a shadowy figure crept up to him. "sssststsstttssttsts" "Ah!" Hael started with horror, falling backwards. "got some dirt mother fucker. this is a dirty fight." "Well duh." Hael replied indignantly as he regained his posture. "Roen is playing the final boss of DOOM. Look at that bullshit." "uh... no... not roen. he is totally fair and legit i promise. the other guy. look. a photo. i think you'll be intrigued at who." The masked cloaked horror handed Hael quite the photo indeed! Hael's eyes widen. "What the fuck? Who are you!? How'd you get access to that clearly confidential conversation where Alexei said if everything was rigged, he'd lock and delete everything and then shit his pants or something?!" Hael shouted out. But they slithered sway, "SS SS SS SS". Hael kicked his chair over. "God DAMN it! This fight is DIRTY! Who knows what else I might uncover.." Just then. Haelikor's roommate opened his bedroom door. "Kelly, are you okay?" "Huh what? Oh yeah. I'm fine. I just uh... I was watching the local sports game and the team I was rooting for lost or whatever." Just then, Praetorian fired a private message at Haelikor that loaded instantly on his amazing computer, THE RED COMET. Hael and his roommate exchanged an awkward silence for a brief period of time. "... Well." Hael clapped his lips finally. "That'll happen. Sometimes. Oh shit! That looks like them in drag. Haha!" The awkward silence intensified. SHITTERS TRY TO THRUST SWORDS OR SOMETHING Yeah he did. Incidentally there was an argument on Discord about how far off Roen had removed his pants when transforming into the main antagonist of a Shin Megami Tensei game but that's neither here nor there, it was time to thrust thrust thrust thrust THRUST!! It was a pretty simple post from Alexei. "That's cool bro but I was already there. My sword was on your cock or whatever so bakoosh. Saw your hands get all woowoo kid so I dodged your arm spikes and sliced you open. ggez" Now I'm a country boy from some backwater parts of the internet regarding T1 so you guys'll have to edumacate my ol' plain self. But if you retcon details of the same action, keep taking that same action, and then use each further clarification post to add more preps to it, that's retarded right? I think it's retarded. And that's what my boy Cornellius here is was is doing? I dunno, they edited and deleted posts like 95 times. Getting more preps in the same general timespace for reasons. What even is being prepared further? God only knows. Still, a solid +1. It's basically an argument of timing which I can buy he had the jump on. "Nah kid. You can't play me like a bull, I never even used a charge- you just misread my glorious poetry of my sorrow over my O'o." A noble "NO U," Roen. Meat of the post is: -With his Lego rotating limbs, he easily reapplies one to cockblock the sword. -His other super doom claw whips out to rip Cornhaul's body apart. -He was prepping. And in spirit of how detailed these two guys were on their preps, Roen's no slouch. Oh man Roen. Pure purple prose. You seduced me with such a rich tapestry of images there. +1. It's essentially just reversing the circumstances against Corvin if you delve past the flavor text. "Nah, your attack ain't so slick, you gonna suck this dick." I'd call foul on a number of things here but the two agreed to some stupid parameters. Like Roen's mystery profile. So while I'd normally weigh this higher to a +2 given the earlier post implied a hilariously slanted match, I can't at this time give that confidence. Ah, about that. RED FIGURES OUT HOW TO OPERATE A KEYBOARD BOOGALOO "...Simply astounding Red." Haelikor muttered as he gazed over the highly efficient method of Red saving Roen's private message copies of his own character profile. However, nothing prepared Hael for what he saw next. WARNING WARNING CLASSIFIED INFORMATION To protect Roen's profile and its EXTREMELY niche weakness you could only figure out if you had the profile (bullshit), we at HaelReview can't show you it. We can however, create a vague facsimile of it! Exact in how nonexact it is. Please look forward to it! ROEN is immortal. Both kinds of immortal. His species is Edgelord. He's like Imperfect Cell in structure- a bug humanoid but with rotted Kirby flesh all over and covered in that chitin plate light armor you can get when you first start out in Morrowind if you wreck people. It has two massive doom wings that let him fly around probably I dunno. It has four long fingers + a thumb per hand, the middle fingers of which are retractable 8" long doom blades- the rest are "a fraction of this length" but Roen saw it fit not to tell me how long. Skillful. It has the head of the Cyberdemon from DOOM. It has doom fluids in its skull to prevent any actual damage and doom teeth, all the better to eat you with my deary. It has a bladed blood sucking doom tongue that's four feet long (Roen could actually outreach Corvin's sword just with his tongue if he wanted to). It has doom spikes all over its body that poop out as necessary. It has three eyes, all of which can vacuum wrap themselves like those shitty Tuna dinners you can buy at convenience stores. He has no spine. His tail, which has a doom arrow head that is functional and can rip through whatever, is a mere 16 feet long. He is over 8' tall and weighs more than E. Honda. His flesh has some kinda supernatural fear effect or some shit. Roen is capable of withstanding pretty much any temperatures and environments ever. Roen decides to compare himself to a creature that withstand 6,000x Earth's atmospheric pressure, endure 1,000 times the lethal radiation a human can, and can become immune to any form of deadly toxin- but the wording implies he is greater than this creature and Roen has decided not to even stipulate what his parameters actually are. So generally if you're on Earth and just walking around not underwater and not in particular areas, you have about 1 bar of pressure on you. Roen casually can passively withstand an undefined number higher than 6000 bars. 6000 bars is 87,022 PSI. His skin can by default handle a quantity greater than that. Now he has to really flex to get there, but still! 87,000 PSI is what they crank pressure cookers up to in order to stop the cellular activity on large blobs of crayfish. Life cannot exist there. And yet Roen can. Roen has a number of hearts, none of which serve the purpose a heart traditionally does. It is implied if you impaled all of his hearts, he'd still not be grievously wounded. Roen has a weakness I can't tell you, but good fucking luck ever getting there! If you delimb him or behead him, his limbs or head can keep on functioning just fine for hours. He can shrug off electricity. Beyond that, he can chill in a lightning storm and if electrical discharge strikes him dead on, go "eh." He can feel pain but none of the "negatives" of pain; basically "pain doesn't inhibit me mentally or otherwise, I'm just aware something hurts." He can suplex elephants to death casually in a second. He has Shenanigan Eyes in disguise, letting him see fast and see what you do before you do it because blah blah blah. He has 90 bajillion lungs which again, misnomer- don't do what lungs traditionally do but instead let him hear super good. His 16' long tail can annihilate trees. His tongue can choke a warrior out, fire blood torpedos, and a lot of other dumb shit. He has 8 billion natural weapons made of doom chitin. You can fire bullets at his wings and he'd go "not good enough, kid!" If the wings catch you, you basically lose because they can snap you in two like a Slim Jim beef jerky stick. Also, he constantly emits Devil Crying which you can't consciously hear but it makes you dizzy and shit if you're human because you're garbage. If he's closer than x yards (hint: less than 150, more than 60), you'll start vomiting and going blind. At more than 3, less than 15 yards (you guess!), he can just rupture your ear drums and annihilate your eyeballs whenever he feels like it. Casually. He's also got magical mucus semen gushing out of his body at every point. This magical ejaculate does everything; super poison, can't be healed even by magic because Roen Jaeger knows all forms of magic I promise, unstoppable bleeding, and acts like Ultimate Tier Super Glue that could halt a pickup truck with all wheel drive from departing if you smeared some onto its tires. There's more to this but I really don't want to get too deep into Roen's mysterious goo. A famous Japanese manga writer was so enamored with Roen, they even made a hit series about him as the main antagonist of this one part, FIGHTING HABIT or something. Truly a fair duel ladies and gentlemen, Supernal should sticky this fight in the Announcements forum so newcomers can see what a balanced T1 match is. I can only give Alexei this OOC advice. Run. This is a farce, you're fighting an end arc anime boss. WOW, THIS DOESN'T SOUND FAMILIAR AT ALL Corvinus tries to employ "logic" and "spacial awareness," which is unfortunate. You see, he makes the folly of thinking this is like battling a standard humanoid opponent who may have fumbled where they placed their arm in trying to block a sword strike, which makes perfect sense and would be a valid route to travel down were he fighting a standard humanoid opponent. He is unfortunately in melee range of The Ultimate (un)Lifeform with limbs that can snap around 360 degrees on all of their joints, least to say nothing of a standard make. Furthermore, and this is truly depressing because it shouldn't be a thing- because Roen has 8 bajillion lungs and none of them matter worth a fuck except for doing bad things to people, even if this attack went off without a hitch (which given the circumstances and this being T1, it won't) - it would amount to nothing. Literally nothing. Except maybe getting Corvinus perilously closer. He makes a cases in his prep section about interrupting Roen's preps which- even if he could get this off, I think would still trigger what the lungs are prepping for. Like someone inflating a balloon with literal dog shit, and then you going "ahHAH!" and popping it with a needle while your face is right next to it. +0 because this isn't changing the situation in any meaningful way. Roen is big. Roen is full of death goo. Roen has fucking Lego death limbs and two other entities that are essentially limbs which at this stage of the game can curl around and do moronic things. ...and sure enough, Roen has his Woowoo Screaming Body Annihilating Garbage Attack Deluxe. Basically, he makes a noise. It really sucks. The noise sucks so bad your eyes and eardrums start to explode. Le sigh. +1. Haelikor kicked down the door to Roen's house, interrupting the man from inhaling marijuana. "Hael? What- I thought you were judging our fight, I-" But the great and wise Haelikor threw a knife at the ground. "Allow me to cut through those words!" "....What?" "Roen, you "won" the fight but lost the war! This is it! You're guilty!" Hael proudly proclaimed, grinning arrogantly even as Alexei, Red, a dog, some homeless people, and others as well also walked on by. Roen sweated. Oh no. "Firstly, you made the thread Caesura in order to taunt Alexei. You knew he would get involved, and battle you. He represented ... others. Other people that you wanted to attack but could not do so directly. But then! You needed to pull a fast one. You'd never fought a fair duel in your life, you weren't about to start now." "You proposed the absurd Chosen ruleset... because you knew if you could trick Alexei into responding to you a few times, you could get him to agree to borderline retarded stipulations like that you wouldn't show your profile until a third party asked for it after the fight had already began. A cunning strategy. However, you needed to keep Alexei flustered.." Haelikor then procured the [EVIDENCE OF ALEXEI "CHEATING"] "So you began roleplaying as a woman named El Passionate Burrito. And El Passionate Burrito you immersed yourself into, to seduce Alexei into admitting he was going to cheat. However! Alexei is garbage at cheating, and only managed to lock the thread for a few before reopening it. H'wat an idiot!" "HAEL. What the everloving fuck are you talking about?" "But that's not all! Because then. You - wait. No that is it. Uh. Your character's broken as shit Roen. Alexei's only options are to run like a bitch, get outside help, or suddenly reveal to me he is a walking demigod capable of firing just under MP busting ki blasts." END END END Verdict: it is borderline impossible for Alexei to win this. This is through no fault of his own. What a ghey fight. Stop giving me shit fights to review! We did it everyone. We're there. The thread may still continue but honestly, it'll just be them arguing. Roen "won." There's no doubt about that unless you're a potato; his character doesn't break MP but is so god damned close that it's not just unfair to have someone adhering to MP guidelines fight him, it's boring. But his character is literally waltzing around the post-wedding of national enemies of his as a Lovecraftian horror so he's probably going to be metaphorically gunned down in the streets like the degenerate his character most certainly is. And remember. There's an O'o ... in us all. ...and someone please kill Rou, that character sucked to read!
  5. HaelReview :: It's on The Spectrum.

    ANNOUNCEMENT. ANNOUNCEMENT. Roen vs Alsexzeesxei is DONE. CONCLUDED. There is a BODY that's been found! As such, given this occurred at the start of my work week, I'll get the review in ASAP. However, this is no mere HaelReview. Action! Drama! EXCITEMENT. In the red corner, we have Roen... who was a massive fucker and entered a mano v mano duel with a giant ball of flesh organs and a hidden profile disclaimer he decided to enact. What a shitter! In the blue corner, we have Alexei(Alsexei?)... who is reacting to some unfortunate news gracefully by pulling in second opinion judges and locking/deleting fucking everything! What shit! A true farce of a duel. As I eventually turn my watchful eyes to it, just remember everyone.
  6. HaelReview :: It's on The Spectrum.

    Before I return to do other reviews (and loom over Alexei vs Roen like the Grim Reaper, Alexei better post today boy!) - it's time for a very special.. SUPER BOWL LII REVIEW "Hael, I had no idea you were a football fan." Oh yeah. I used to play foozball all the time back in the day. As I got older, I really gained an appreciation for the shotgun formation when you do a Haelmerry straight down to the line of discrimination. And I bought John Madden 2k9 when it wasn't even used yet so I'm basically a pro. "??? there was a football game?? yeh mean american futbol?" What? Wh- oh god you're British or something. Alright, I've gone to school, I'm educated. Ahem. "wot wot in the bullucks, there was a game o the kicky ball and it went right as rain cept fer the one wasn't even birds eh" "Hael, what's your opinion on the kneeling controversy?" Well personally, I think kneeling when you have several 200-300 pound men trying to give you brain damage is a ballsy move. Also probably cheating, it's like crouching in a fighting game and punching your opponent in the penis; effective but maybe uncouth. Alright. So there was a game. The Seahacks versus the Double Americans. Normally, the Double Americans, led by Tom Brady Bunch, always wins because they're experts at cheating. However, today, their cheating game was off. They didn't inflate the balls like balloons right or whatever, and their steroids were like 9th tier. So the Seahacks flew in with hand gliders and got 95 yards, offside. This caused the referees, employees of the Double Americans, to try and give them no less than 11 penalties in a row. However, the Seahacks, as anyone who has played third edition knows, had a massive advantage in that they can fly. Low challenge rating encounters are super weighted in favor of who can fly so despite the Double Americans getting some third party feats and racial templates, ultimately it was a stomp. Metaphorically not literally, the Seahacks had claw and beak natural weapons not hooves. Also some Interpretive Dance Flag Bearers knelt. This was in protest of the cops from the hit Rockstar game series Grand Theft Auto being dicks. Unfortunately, the owner of the NFL was the son of one of those cops, so the flag bearers were fired. A regrettable flaw. The Seahacks won! Or something. After the game, the Double Americans all began to line up in their lockers to commit ritualistic sudoku as is tradition when you massively cheat and still manage to lose a game. Also a bunch of companies made money off commercials- one commercial was uh, about dead children, or something? And another one was about Budlight being urine. I dunno. Anyway, in the home city of the Seahacks, Philadelphia, people were celebrating their historic win of the Big Booty Butt Bowl 59 or whatever. Yes, they decided to take a cue from their Canadian comrades north of the border and respond to losing or winning a sports game full of overpaid athletes playing grabass by burning their own cities to the ground. "WEWWWWW" drunkenly rampaged John Slender, age 27, as he began to hurl a molotov cocktail at his own apartment complex. "I WON MY BET AND MADE $70, FUCK YOU PATRIOTS, WEWWWWW" One young man was so enamored with the concept of Tom Brady Bunch, head paladin of the Double Patriots retiring that said lad screamed to the gods Odin and Neptune with thanks and praise for their blessings. So draws to a close another exciting year of foozball. Tune in next time when more millionaires run around patting each other on the butts before inflicting permanent brain damage on each other while living in mansions. GO BRONCOS, WEWWWW
  7. HaelReview :: It's on The Spectrum.

    Watch out! It's time for a new HaelReview. Starring.. ...uh... Mar...Marsivoovoo. Marsivoovoo Art Times. Like it or not, they're war. Or something. And Alexei of Alexei vs Roen fame gave them an entire temple for testing. That's pretty hardcore. Here I go! Oh wait. I need theme music. Get me in the spirit of this. Ah. This here. I know the Japanamanese pretty good. This translates roughly to "Hae Hae Hae Hael is cool. Hae Hae Hael is great! Hael can't lose because he calls you trash! These profiles are profiles. And they're mostly bad... but some might be good? Who knows? Not me! Powerrr... Haeeeell... Haeelll... Haelll is pretty cool! HaeHaeHaeHael isisisis greatgreatgreatgreat and cool. HaelHaelHael is cool. He he he wins the thing or whatever. This is Japaneeeeese. Yeahhhh! Hael reviewed you perfectlyyyyyyyy! (instrumental) Haellllll drank whisky. He drank a bit too much possibly! HaelHaelHael-" Wait what the fuck? The song just cut off. Man YouTube really is losing it these days quality wise. Alright. This profile is from 2013. In the old before time from the long long ago. So bare with me as I try to decipher its ancient language. Now their birth name, you know, on their birth certificate is Mars Bar UV Rays Art Times. But fret not, for their given name is Mars U V'r'Us. Probably a salesman of chocolate candies for children. They have not one or two but four different aliases of extremely common words like Art and Time, so nobody knows what the fuck to call them. Just call them Candy Bar. It's what I'm doing the rest of this review. But don't worry kid. They also have titles in addition to their alias. The title of Crimson. And you can call them Crim for short if you can't handle two syllables because you're borderline illiterate. Crimson Candy Bar. They're the general of the Taen Military, and their race is "Demon Experimental." I don't know what the hell the Taen Military is or how your race can hold the word "Experiment" in it but God Speed, Candy Bar is so great that he forgot how old he is. A clear tactical genius without peer given he at some point in time forgot how to count the passage of time. Fantastic. That helps me quite a bit Candy Bar. I'm glad to know when you were born- the timing of which you seem to have forgotten- that the stars themselves talked shit to you and you decided as a baby Demon Experiment that they're haters so you can arbitrarily bypass the Zodiac system. Hm. Now you could assume that's just a typo of Physical, but I'm Haelikor the Great. So I assume that's Candy Bar's powerset. Their phyicals..!! Man, you're an artist - painting me such a vivid picture. "How old is he?" i unno "Okay, what race is he?" i unno "God damn it - fine, what's his body like?" toned athletic "Okay, how about his upper body?" toned athletic "....how about.. his.. lower?" TONED ATHLETIC I don't ever want to know that "Crimson" reached completion ever again. If I see this anywhere else in the profile, I'm reporting you. So many questions, Candy Bar. So once he is in battle, his body just arbitrarily becomes a lava lizard's capable of bringing most metals to just shy of their boiling points? Does he need to be conscious of this or does he just turn into a lava lamp automagically? You like being redundant, don't you? Although one thing strikes me- his mouth. How is his mouth unhappy? Do you mean he tends to have a sullen expression? That can alter on the fly you know. It's called facial expressions. What. Yes. Alright, now you're just fucking with me. So he is dominant and hot headed with an extroverted personality. A lot of these things could make sense together, but then you have him described like he's part of an emo boy band and is shrouded in reclusive mystery right down to his age and gender expression with a constant sad emoji for his mouth. Seems unnecessary to list the fact he doesn't have something. An absence of x item is self-evident. [squints his eyes] So here it comes. I've been training in the Hyperbole Time Sphere for like a bajillion minutes in preparation for this. Here I go, Candy Bar. I don't care how red you are. You will regret being proficient in things. The fuck does that mean? And while I like the aesthetics to it, what's the point of dots if you're just gonna tell me numerically how many points are in it? For that matter, how much better would 9/10 Hand to Hand proficiency be than 10/10 Hand to Hand proficiency? This doesn't tell me jack shit. Man, those are so fucking night and day each, you're ruinin' mah immersion to believe he's equally skilled at all of them. Even if he's only 80% proficient, whatever that means. Do you use magic, do you manipulate other people's magic, do you have magical birth control? I dunno. Candy Bar's apparently a master at it, whatever it is. How do you have transformation proficiency exactly? You either can or can't with ease or with difficulty but there isn't exactly a formal training process to it I'd imagine. It tends to be ingrained woowoo, even if Candy Bar is apparently a tracking GPS. Mmm. ...mmm. ................... how the fuck are you 80% proficient in ventriloquism? I'm going to try and ignore all of that. So after this, Candy Bar's appearance is revealed. He's got a sword that resembles a spanking paddle and is staring off into the distance with his shirt off. I have alternative and superior art for Art Time Mars Bars. Superior. Now for his paddle sword, Lan Imass, and his woowoo DNA poop goo, Exedous. Kudos for making a simple word hard to pronounce. They're not of Valucre completely... so they're of Valucre partially. I really don't care that you're wielding a hefty paddle, but if you're going to use tungsten in gear, have it be a tungsten alloyed with steel. In fact, don't even do that. Backstory time. I used to research my fictional gear for characters a bunch. I'd find real world examples, calculate out the numbers for temperatures/rigidity/flexibility/malleability, figuring out what worked and what didn't. And you know what that got me? Absolute drooling retards googling a single word of what I'd describe and taking the first result the search engine gave them and going "GUH, THAT WOULD WEIGH A BILLION POUNDS AHEHEH" and not budging. Save yourself the headache. Replace all real world materials with Woowooanium. "Mythril" tends to do wonders. They won't even question it. Also, coblat. Fucking coblat. Coblat. Laziness does not work in the written world boyo, FireFox and Chrome have spellcheckers. Use them. Or, make a fictional material called Coblat. What relevance does having doubled recovery hold for me when you never establish the regeneration rate of a human with - god damn that name, I'm calling it Poop Goo now. So what, infinite limbs, infinite flesh growth with no drawbacks, and a limitation you decide not to define but just call "really big?" Skillful, Candy Bar. Skillful. Although adding a metal melting component seems a little redundant given your own skin can by default super heat metal simply by you getting triggered via Spidey Senses over combat initiating like in an RPG game. Must spend a fortune on those given battle would annihilate that shit instantly. The Taen Military must be bankrupt. He wears several other things but again, it's shit he'd accidentally annihilate. Maybe I missed something that allows his flesh automagically burninating all the peasants to conveniently not roast his clothes but I doubt it. So he is Nude Candy Bar. Then randomly. Out of nowhere. There's another set of profiles in here. Very small mind you. It's a set of twins known as the Artimes Twins or whatever. They're both 10 I guess. And they're mages. At some point in time, Candy Bar decided to kidnap them because he's weird like that. There's Caim. He's poor. He's a red mage, which is defined here as a spellsword which is not what a red mage is in anything I've ever seen but whatever. Candy Bar makes him participate in wars because he's a dick I guess. Then, there's the other twin, Yuife. She's a war mage. A war mage is apparently a mage, that uses spells... in a war. She too as well also is forced to participate in war despite being 10 years old because Candy Bar's a dick, but not only that - she's apparently his entertainment, as she is wearing some Princess Leia from Star Wars bikini type shit and has massive boobs which are barely contained by her skin tight leather bra. I'm not gonna lie, the vibe of this is making me uncomfortable. Together, Candy Bar the Ageless Gender Fluid Nudist Swordsman, Caim the Poor Person, and Yuife the Magical Underage Prostitute are.. The Art Times Family. And- and they'll time your art with... fuck I'm drunk. Review's over.
  8. Let me know when you do the review of Alexei's and Roen's fight. I'm mildly interested in reading the abridged CliffsNotes.

    1. Haelikor


      Done and done. It's already gotten into glorious and absurd OOC arguments so I can only imagine the finished product will be fantastic.

  9. HaelReview :: It's on The Spectrum.

    REVIEW PROFILE VERSION - RED YUSUKE. Profile opens up to some blonde chick riding a guy with one of those creepy sex toy devil tails inserted into him. I suppose he's actually a devil, but whatever? Also, there's like magical candles that are part fire and part metal nearby, firing off sparkles. Shit's weird. Her first name is Red. She separates this from the rest of the profile block for reasons unknown. Her last name is Yusuke. She decides not to explain the pronunciation of this despite the name being vaguely Japanese, so good news everyone! Henceforth, Red is Red Yoozookie. Now, Yoozookie is "true neutral." That shit is debatably ever relevant even in D&D outside of specific game mechanics designed around alignment, so I'm not sure what she's getting at. Her race is human psion. I question the notion a person who has has a psionic awakening is a different race but anything to seem special I guess. She has no hometown but has a place of origin in "Gaia Prime." So I imagine this means Red grew up in a ball of mud surrounded by wolves with devil tails gnarling at her muttering to herself "I'mmm a psionnn..." Her profession is archer[?] ... and.... Queen. What? No. If Red Yoozookie is a queen of a nation, her profession is not "archer." She does not "archer" for a living, nobody is fucking paying her to go fire arrows, she is the leader of a nation or the wife of a leader of a nation depending on circumstances. "Affiliation: Patia" I'd love to be affiliated to Chia Pets too. CHCHCHIA. "Marital Status: Single" Ah. So she's a harlot. Instead of marrying for political power, she seems to troll for devil wiener. " Abilities - Psionics " ...Mmm...hmm. Oh... no. Spoiler tags. Here it goes kid. The meat of this potato. SAGA I :: RED YOOZOOKIE'S ABILITIES "Hael began to frown as he popped open that spoiler tag. "Air Solidification? What the fuck is that?" Quickly deciding against thinking about it too deeply, he grabbed some lager from his fridge. He'd need it." What kind of bullshit psionics did this chick pick up? One day, Yoozookie thought to herself, I'll harden air. What. I am to deduce from that ill formed word vomit that you can basically decide someone's dead instantly. "Ah. All that air flowing into your every orifice. Sure would be a shame if it all turned into a composite metal of sorts instantly. HYAHHH..!!" That is quite possibly the dumbest application of the above ability possible. You can kill anyone at any time damned near, but instead choose to try and become Avatar the Last Doctor Octopus Bender. Why is that in brackets. And why "roughly?" Either they can or they cannot move at 30 MPH. One bracketed resource is black, one is red. One's bold, one isn't. What is this tripe? Also, I understand the intended balancing mechanic here - concentration + window of transitioning from useless poop air to magical woowoo wind shields, but I love how Red can essentially with little to no definition whatsoever Nintendo DS Stylus the air and decide melee attacks are useless against her provided she can preempt them occurring. Skill. "They're invisible! Except they're not." So they're not. So there's visible features of heat waves eh? I imagine you mean the air wiggles kinda like heat rising off the ol' BBQ machine when you're cooking wieners on the ol' barby eh wot. That or you're very poorly trying to sneak in the ability to also invisibly fry your opponents with woowoo brain winds. Still dumb though. Typically, people in T1 manage to fuck up two arms and two legs a piece; you already get a massive advantage through adding any quantity of limbs because you get to attack from differing vectors which'll confuse your nimrod opponents to no end. You don't need to really add in "they're almost sorta invisible!!!" to the mix. Why? -Doesn't let you theme them in a menacing way like with silly red lights and ki auras and other dumb shit. -People will roleplay it like they can see them just fine, even if they lie and say they're keeping it in mind. -They probably have Shenanigan Ninjer Eyes. So they can see it just fine. itt useless. Oh man. More conscious effort! As opposed to less conscious effort! Hoh geeze. What an arduous task, whatever that is. I'm sure that'll ever deter her from pooping all of them out at once. "They're not sharp. They can just skewer your flesh." Oh no... there's another spoiler with Limitations just for these. Oh... no... SAGA II :: THE POOP WIND'S FALLBACK "Ah fuck breh. I wanted to play Fallout 4 before bed. But this is ... this is the real wasteland." Okay. She can manipulate up to two tendrils at once. And always will be. .... yeah, I bet she'll ever be in a scenario where there's no air available. Pretty sure Red's fucked either way at that point. No no no. Stop this "give or take, here or there!" measurement garbage. It is or isn't 5 feet long. You do or don't have a way to increase their length. Ahggg. How the hell would mist flow in a void of airlessness? And this sounds less like a limitation and more like a stupid way for you to poop fire attacks back at their users. Nice try kid. [rubs his forehead] God. You already covered this! Good thing you never specify what that is! Guess Red strikes with strength like that of The Hulk! SAGA III :: READING THE PEOPLE'S BRAINS WITH TELEPATHY OR WHATEVER "Maybe I shouldn't be drinking soda this late at night... nah." "ah man, people who can read brains... are brain readers! people who use telepathy.. are telepaths!" Thanks Red. So she's both types of character from 999 - 9 Hours 9 Doors 9 Lives. It's a Japanese visual novel style game released for the Nintendo DS where you gotta stop a guy who thinks people look like gorillas from murdering your waifu when she was 6 in the past using scientific theory concerning not being blown up by bombs. Your movements are mildly restricted you guys! And... it'll do it less good against stronger opponents, whatever that is! [One]! That's broken as shit. "To talk, I can force an MMORPG world into your brain and do whatever however I want. Don't worry though, I respect yo privacy, so even though I'm not limited in any way from mind raping you, I promise I won't!" SAGA IV :: TELEPATHIC SUPPLEMENTS TAKEN ORALLY 3x A DAY "I could've killed so many Deathclaws and Raiders by now." That's stupid. You're stupid. This is dumb when people do it based off "their eyes working so good they can perceive ever minute muscle movement," and it's dumb now. It's basically your excuse for reacting like a tool assisted AI in a speedrun of a video game. Convenient you don't mention who you're linked to here. I guess it's whomever you decide to attack! What a shame, you know where they are and everything they feel! How fair..! Psychic Skype. SAGA V :: SUPPLEMENTS EXCEEDING YOUR LIMITATIONS MAY GIVE YOU A BAD CASE OF DIARRHEA "My god.." What kind of absolute moron would try to argue you can use mind reading powers on a trash can, Red? Woah kid. What a limitation.. roughly 200 yards. Roughly. Good thing you don't limit a cooldown/rate between uses so you can rapid fire most things person to person! That makes zero sense. Impulses are also things your brain goes through. Stop watching bad anime Red. This isn't a damned RPG, there aren't levels Red, what the hell are you talking about. That... is not a limitation, one. Two, that's stupid. Three, you used the wrong form - "they're" not "their." "ahehehe, is red multilingual? you may never know!!!" SAGA VI :: SEISMIC THAT ONE MOVE FROM POKEMON THAT GOES WOO~WOOO~ "This bitch is psychic, why in the hell does she need a seismic graph?" That's... so specific Red. No explanation of Enhanced Touch, no explanation of what your warped interpretation of Earth Manipulation is, no thematic incorporation into the rest of the character at all - just "oh by the way. Red can uh... sense shit shaking." So she has ill defined death wind tentacles, she can see and feel anything a victim feels, she can sense what they're going to do before they do it, and she can sense their tiniest of movements through magical woowoo vibration sorcery. Why not just add Chronomancy to your profile too Red? Add an ability called "I win." May. Roughly. Possibly. May. SAGA VII :: PSYCHIC BOLT OR... PSY SHOT.. OR... THE ONE WHERE CLOUD CROSS-DRESSES TO GET INTO DON CORNEO'S MANSION "Mmm. A cool Pepsi." Alright. So apparently this isn't two abilities but is in fact one ability that Red is so god damned indecisive about, she can't even tell you what it's called. As opposed to.. impure psychic energy? No range increments or anything, no... concept of the size of it. It just fires. At, not bolded brackets this time 60mph. Oh, that's much better. It's got the form and properties of pure lightning you guys. I imagine the same temperature too, why not? Of course. So the optimal use case here is to get all three portioned bolts ready, then just stand there like a dipshit until they hit you so you don't even have to aim. What good design. Know how strong them burns are? Intense. Know how severe the impalement is? Whatever lightning does when it.. you know... impales you. SAGA VIII :: WEAPONS"This bitch is a Black Mage with 3 billion psychic powers, what need does she possibly have for a weapon? Oh wait. She does archery for a living with her side career of being a queen." That is not a katana. That is a Power Ranger sword you may buy for your nephew for Halloween for $9.99. Why in god's name would she ever do this instead of ripping them apart with wind tentacles? What is the matter with you? Ah yes. The many art pictures, the bow that's red. That tells me basically all I need to know about her bow. You gave more detail about her electrowoowoo Katana than you did the weapon she supposedly champions as part of her supposed career. SAGA IX :: ARMOR "What...!?" ............ that'll happen sometimes. You put more effort into saying nothing there than it'd taken to explain how they're designed. Good news everyone. She's not wearing a top or a bottom. As is fitting for being an archer. The fuck is that Red? That is a Naruto Ninja Headband. Red is a damned ninja. A filthy degenerate ninja. Kill Red Yusuke. Kill Red Yusuke.i Yup, fingerless gloves, Naruto Ninja confirmed. I should've known. Kill Red Yusuke. Come comrades. We will slay the vile "Red" and rid our pure world of her evil and wickedness always. SAGA X :: SKILLS "Redundant.." So many in fact, you wonder why you couldn't have included these in the ability section instead of hiding it down here. ...... YOU CALLED HER PROFESSION THAT OF A DAMNED ARCHER. SHE HAS PSYCHIC DEATH TORNADOES, WHY WOULD SHE GO HAND TO HAND. SHE CAN FRY AND IMPALE PEOPLE WITH PSYCHIC LIGHTNING BOLTS. Name a single traditional technique with a katana. Name one. .... I thought so. Verdict: Back to the drawing board. You killed me, Red. You killed me...!
  10. A new version of the previous thread as it grew disorganized and gross to I, the great Haelikor. "What is this?!" A thread where I, Haelikor the Great, will review things. "Review? Review what? How? What criteria? Who are you?" Shut up guy. "Alright, what is it you review?" All kinds of stuff. Character profiles. Roleplayed fights. Poems. Whatever breh. "Do you do it out of... 10, 100, 5..?" You'll see kid. "What can I expect?" Action. Drama. Excitement. I use profanity and sexy metaphors that'll pump steam under your collar, and really rev you up. Get your gasoline cooking hot. TABLE OF CONTENTS RED YUSUKE THE POTATOMANCER - here. She is an archer first and a queen second. And she is a terrible archer. MARS CANDY BAR ART TIMES & HIS TWO EERILY SEXUAL CHILDREN - here. I think the title speaks for itself really. He's got a paddle. And it's wanting action. THE PHILLY SEAHACKS VERSUS THE SAN FRANSISCO DOUBLE AMERICANS - here. God bless the USA. And to all, a good fire. ROEN THE CYBERDEMON VERSUS CORVINAVIUS THE SWORD GUY - here. Thrust thrust thrust thrust!!! Works in Progress :: -Roen vs Alsexei. However, they're posting at the speed of smell. So I, being a high fidelity reporter of sorts, will scout around for other great material to mix into the fold. -Scouting. If you have any submissions, fire them my way- who knows boy'o. Maybe I'll bless you with a review..! -Dinner. It's not bad pizza. Tried something a little exotic, shrimp and jalapenos. Has a unique texture. Updates // 01-29-2018 :: Made the thread. Wooh. This took a lot of work. I'm tired now. 01-29-2018 :: First new review. It was gross. 01-30-2018 :: Hm. I can't feel my legs. Times are tough. Also, I got more submissions. So I'll probably tackle them later in the week. 02-02-2018 :: Alright. Chopped a profile out before I clocked out for the night. I'll chop through the next two sometime tomorrow probably. 02-05-2018 :: Sportsball. 02-09-2018 :: Wooh. What shit. Roen vs Alexei done. I'll get to the other two profiles here sometime this weekend. Nyoho!
  11. I've roleplayed a bit here and there in Predator's Keep mostly. But I'm more a man of the future than the past. Everything I've ever made is trash and everything I'll ever make is gold. And good to meet ya. I doubt we'll need a second opinion, my medical diagnosis of which patient'll be terminal will be flawless. But I'm still glad you're around. 8)
  12. Hello, Valyooker. It is I. Haelikor. To my great sorrow, I was conscripted to "judge" a Roen vs Alsexei battle in some horrible abortion of a variant of T1. If you're unfamiliar with anything I just said, think of it like two of that guy from Waterworld who wants to trade paper for fun times with a little girl having a battle. I figure if I'm going to do this, given how many months this fight will no doubt take, I may as well return in full from my hiatus of playing Pathfinder as rat serial killers. Perhaps even post as my new Druid Warrior who is an original character, do not steal. And most likely start shitposting reviews of people's content again as I am a very kind person. Incidentally if you want some extremely grounded polite and friendly critique* of your submitted content to Valucre that will be impartial* and *kind, by all means toss it my way! Point it my direction kid. I love to help my fellow writers grow. So to all of you old and new, and especially you, I'd like to say... hello.
  13. Sometimes I commission custom art, but most of the time I "borrow" other pictures then edit them until they suit my needs. Old example I find prudent: I wanted to make a crystal psion. So I took these images.. ..and made this. It entertains me doing this. That said, every now and again I do get someone to draw me character art. An example here: But Photoshopping monsters is both free and enjoyable.
  14. It violates Not Being a Coward Tier. 8)
  15. T1.. Hnnhnhn. A T1 match? I can review it even.