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Die Shize

~*sakura cherry blossom forest*~

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Fred is a half-human half-elf half-cheetah sitting in a tree. dressed in jeans and T-shirt and has spiked hair that is three parts blue and five eighths green but not quite blond. He is young and handsome and young. Has a katana the size of a tree that is the size of a whale shark on a Miami beach

He looks at you with his majestically majestic pretty blue ocular orbs and smirks 

“sup”

 

 

@amenities

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Barrett is an impish imp pimp chump chewing some double bubble gum. He saunters with his paws full of dum-dums and sauces in his pockets until he pauses. Up ahead is a manbearpig! He's never seen one before! So the impish imp pimp chump chewing some double bubble gum, who had been sauntering with paws full of dum-dums and sauces in his pockets, pausing in his plod across the plot of sod, nodded.

He blows a double bubble gum bubble and pops it with his lopsided chomper. It's hot as a sauna, and Barrett isn't sure he wanna be khana for the katana under that fauna. But the little iguana gonna anyway.

"Sup."

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Fred pondered as Barrett wandered, scratchin’ his noggin like in one of them anime shows, not quite sure what to make of his counterpart’s entrance as he tried to decipher his bubble gum bubble chum shot o’ rum and lopsided lollipop but doesn’t really know what you wrote and broke his codex on his broken toe.

He swings a leg dangling from a branch. The leg is made of sawdust but we don’t know why

”Hey mister you look dangerous are you an action sports star?”

Fred smirked challengingly, his challenging look very challenging, but he wasn’t looking for a fight so much as looking cool because of his fractioned haircut and challenging look

”I’m an ex-ronin samurai assassin currently employed as a mercenary on a contract for bounty hunters hired by hitmen working for a guy named supernal but I’m not sure who he is do you like big kahuna tuna?”

he offers an apple. it will hit you on your noggin if you don’t catch it

”cuz I ain’t got none”

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The apple knocked Barrett's noggin just as he started noddin'. Catching it as it bounced off his forehead, the elfish creature took a bite and tossed it back at Fred.

If Fred didn't take the customary bite with the bite mark attached to Barrett's bite mark, he would attack.

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Fred was chucklin’ in the tree top, mindin’ his own yidder-yadder, couple thots on what he’d do when he got home and fed his dead fish, few thots on the jelly ‘tween his toes that he hadn’t washed for seventy-eight moons and then some.

Then something struck Fred in the head. He howled like an orangutan with a heart pumped full of Suujali adrenaline and weren’t no mistake. Tumbling down the tree, he struck branch after branch with an “ow!” and an “oof!” and a “g’oh!” and a “ACK MEIN LEDERHOSEN” and hit leaf bottom like all get out and get gaited. Then that same gosh darn apple fell on his fallen noggin to bounce off and land afore his face—with a bite mark facing said face.

”ohhhhh crud I think I’ve broken my moozy-roozy on a brokeback Tuesday after skinny dipping with ocean elves...........”

Fred got up and rubbed his head and brushed himself off and counted his bruises’ bruises and smashed the blasted apple with a muddy boot.

”Take THAT ye gosh darn rotten curd!”

He looked at wotshizface and smirked evillishly.

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Barrett's beads became predatory dots as soon as, instead of catching the apple, Fred headbutted it to the ground and stomped on it!

*Battle Mode Battle-vate!*

The second Fred's foot was upon the apple, Bear was lizard-crawling toward him in a serpentine pattern. When Barrett came within five feet he did a skid-stop, lashing his forked tail out at the apple stomping sample chomper.

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Fred blinked at the raggedy tragedy of a mother's spawn, what looked like the goop from a black hole's back side. Name's Barrett and he's about to leave the stage quicker than his grand daddy in a saloon after drinking the bartender dry and getting peed on by all his friends.

"Battle for Middle-earth what now?"

as the mad hermit crab of a Barrett man-spider came scurrying towards Fred, Fred did what Fred always Fred best. He spat on his hands, wiped his cheeks, spat on his hands again as all get out and get gaited and spun around three times to exercise his knees and eat a ham sandwich he stole from a crying six-year-old. It was Goku's hyperballsack time chamber all over again.

"OHZ'SHIT WHOZIT'WUT"

Fred bounced away from the monster's tail with a yessir can do attitude and strong coffee in his gut. He dusted himself off and whirled round with a sawed-off shotgun he borrowed from Aunt Margaret's chocolate box

"Say y'ever been to Holly Wolly Dixon Die down in Kansanooty and met a girl named Simba'tak'ka'nee-nee'pokaoatl-nissa-nissa in a French corset and a rainbow ribbon made out of turnips?"

Edited by Die Shize

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Barrett's tail froze as Fred wheeled around with his two-holed whirlydasher and held up his hands.

"Woah woah hey buddy, you didn't eat my apple and now yer gonna shoot at me?"

Thumbing the badge pinned on his lapel, the elflike imp elevated himself to eye level— more like waist level— and turned his chin up at Fred and his whirlydasher. His giant impsect eyes bore many-facetedly on Fred, blinking sideways above the lil guy's pouty lips.

"We was just havin some fun. You don't wanna do anything silly to a Terran First Lieutenant do ya?"

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Fred sheepishly grins at the elf-dwarf and scratches his butt

”You’re treadin’ treacherous territory little gnome and I ain’t got the time of day for your lollygaggin”

He rolled up his rolled up sleeves and flexed Popeye muscles.

”I don’t care if you’re a First Ranger of the Night’s Watch, you don’t enter my forest without a license and a pack of bubble gum, and you look all outta bubble gum, chum.”

Fred cracked his knuckles and his knees too

”NOW SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT IN YOUR WALLET BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO ONE”

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